just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
