Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
