She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
