I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
