Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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