the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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