yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
