Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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