I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
