I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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