god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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