you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
