I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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