I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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