My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
