she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
