Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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