Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
