I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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