new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
