Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
