So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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