there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
