Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
