We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
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