Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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