Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
