i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
