i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Drunk is a universal language darling
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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