The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
please come you make the beer taste better
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
