Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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