Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
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like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
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It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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