I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
