Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
