You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
