i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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