I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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