As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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