i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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