Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
