do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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