don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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