Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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