the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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