How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
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you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
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Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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