you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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