sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
