I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
