YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
