Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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