he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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