my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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