to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Who died my cat blue again?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
