I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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