New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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