i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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