Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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