First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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