We won't sleep together?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
