So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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